Melt Down

After a couple of days of extreme excitement and smiling whenever I had a cramp, I had a busy day seeing 4 clients in the morning (not something I'd have planned if I'd known I'd be pregnant) then dropping a library book at uni, back to spurriergate to collect forgotten sunglasses, home by 3pm with banging headache, teaching from 3.30-5pm and then trying to pack to go to Norfolk. By the time I went to bed I had cramping all night and a light pink hue to my discharge and convinced myself I was having a chemical pregnancy and that my period would start any day. I barely slept, did another test in the morning which had a much darker line than Tuesdays (a good sign I feel) but that did little to reassure me because really there is nothing to be done to reassure. Every time I went to the toilet I expected my insides to fall out of me and for the whole thing to be over. I wish I hadn't pulled my back lifting a filing cabinet as the back pain mixed with the cramping is confusing, and I know the pink hue can be from implantation... As can the cramping... But also its so similar to what I get before my periods starts. Logic tells me there's absolutely nothing I can do... Its out of my control and that if its not meant to be this time it doesn't mean it'll be like that forever.... But still... I was relieved that my insides didn't fall out in a macdonalds toilet half way to Norfolk... There can't be a much worse place!

In the end we arrived and I rested and eventually started to feel less anxious, and after a few kips, things seemed less dramatic. I still get adrenaliney anxiety when I think about it... And interestingly I've been jumping loads since before I even knew I was pregnant, so the hormones may be contributing to the anxiety... I don't know... But I'll be very glad to get to 12 weeks.... That feels like a long time away.... I hope this holiday will help.